As I was driving home from work earlier tonight, I had a thought: Am I trying to avoid God?
The reason for this question’s coming to mind is that my devotion to church, daily Bible reading, etc… has drastically wanned over the past year. However simple the question, the answer is gravely complex.
Initially, my reason for ceasing my devotions was the random, stochastic pattern that my work in retail sales entailed. One day I have an eight hour morning shift, the next it’s a five hour closing shift. One week I have Sunday off, the next I don’t. The lack of consistency was unnerving and it was easier to not be given to having time alone with God. The real answer, however, is rooted in my response to both depression and stress.
First and foremost, I am an introvert! Spending time with other people is a drain on my emotional and psychological wellbeing. Retail sales requires spending many countless hours with both coworkers and customers. To re-cooperate from the energy drain of society, I relax by receding into a deep, melancholic reflection on life and the universe. When conditions are not favorable for this melancholy, I will resort to various escapisms – watching TV and movies, puttering with house work, dallying on the computer with games and rather aimless research… whatever I can find to bide my time, both fruitful and unfruitful. For example, I used to work in an ecology laboratory while in college. As such, I spent many hours with great coworkers in the field and in the lab. After our long forays in the field, I returned home only to be swiftly greeted by my friends and roommates. The only social down time, it seemed was the thirty minutes required to shower and hygiene (as the French say fait de la toilette – all the things one does related to personal cleansing rituals in the lavatory). I loved my coworkers and delight in the company of my friends; however, I need two hours alone for every hour I spend with people.
The most disturbing fact: Life seems easier without God. Which is to say: acknowledging His existence while leaving Him alone removes a lot of stress – laboring for Sunday services and daily Bible study and prayer take a large amount of time from one’s day.
